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6Th Grade Math Games! Again, for I know. Ready to share new things that are useful. You and your friends.Our children are our future. Stop and think about children over the last some decades and how their roles have changed and evolved over the years. How did a child in the 60s or 70s differ from a child in the 80s or 90s? Here we are today, practically 10 years into the new millennium, an era of anticipated technology advances, strong competition for achievement and material gain, changes in gender roles and most importantly, changes in family dynamics. Life is continuously changing and this is expected. We are an ever growing, ever changing society. But with such dramatic shifts in public norms and behaviors over the last 30 years or so, can we still expect to raise and teach our children as we were taught when we were young, which was predominately in authoritarian households? We will look at three individual scenarios which have been taken from a recent family dynamics study. All three cases are families in the new millennium brought up in the United States.
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Three family Dynamic Case Studies
Sheila is an 18 year old immature girl starting her freshman year of college. She has two younger siblings and lives in a middle class home with both her parents. Sheila's father is an guarnatee adjuster and her mother works as a secretary. Growing up, Sheila was predominately a straight A student, with a petite public group of friends. From the family perspective she would appear to be a child product from the typical middle class family. Sheila is also a drug addict.
Mark is a 20 year old young man and a sophomore in college. He has a younger brother and is a product of a broken home. His mother divorced his father when he was three years old. She was the traditional sole supplier for her family and attended school in the evenings. Mark was an average pupil while high school, was active in sports and had a wide collection of friends. He is active in local Christian youth programs and is majoring in elementary education.
Maria, 16, and Luis, 17, are brother and sister and live in the Bronx. Their mother is on welfare and their father left them when they were toddlers. They attend the local high school which is patrolled by security and covered in iron bars. Drugs and violence are rampant. Maria is a good pupil and finds security in solitude, while Luis has been arrested on numerous occasions for drugs and theft and will barely graduate high school.
These are just a sampling of the differences in children, their family dynamics and how they deal with conflict. Of course, every child has their own story, their own accounts of their failures and their successes. Every child is a product of our family values and our society. We are now practically ten years into the millennium and as we impart the past some decades we see how community has changed and how it has affected the family unit. One aspect of life that has never changed is conflict. Conflict is and all the time will be a part of life. However, how we cope Conflict has changed and Conflict awareness and instruction is at the forefront of this contemporary age.
Conflict Defined
In her article, Conflict...A New Perspective, Julie Fauimano, Mba, Bsn, Rn, Success Coach, defined Conflict as "two or more people finding things from different perspectives, given their education, background, upbringing, knowledge of the issue, beliefs, time of day, mood, etc...". Simply put Conflict is diversity of thought. From this brief definition we see that Conflict is more than just a disagreement, but rather a combination of sources fluctuating from our instruction to our mood. Most hear the term Conflict and automatically join together it as a negative behavior. Many times when man disagrees with our position we take it as a personal strike and we jump to the defense. However, Conflict can be inevitable if we allow ourselves to be open to new ideas and different perspectives to an issue.
History has shown that we often don't think about Conflict until we need third party aid to help us sort out our issues. Counseling, mediation and litigation are all methods of Conflict resolution. However, in the past decade, more concentration is being put on the psychology aspect Conflict by studying family dynamics, parenting styles, public interactions and Conflict resolution education. In the past, we have all the time associated disputes with litigation, or in the judicial sense. Now, we are finding at Conflict and Conflict management proactively by attempting to understand what drives individuals personally, and how we can educate society, starting with our children in addressing issues in a positive, effective manner.
Parental influence and Behavior
As we think about our three cases at the introduction of this paper. All of these children are teenagers struggling to survive and find their way in today's world. Each child is from a different ethnic and religious background, each representative of a unique family unit. Add to this the varying parenting styles, public influences, their predetermined personality traits, personal goals and life experiences and you can understand how each individual approaches Conflict in a different way.
With all the varied influences on our children today, parents are the #1 influence. We are our children's role models. Parenting styles and their effects on children have been studied over the years and have been broken down into three categories: Authoritarian, Permissive and Authoritative. Understanding the three styles of parenting in relation to Conflict resolution is the first step in Understanding how children think, behave and react within their environment.
The Authoritarian Parent. Authoritarian parents expect their children to obey their rules exactly and often use bonus and punishment to keep their children in line. With authoritarian style parenting, some children strive to please their parents to avoid punishment and do not feel comfortable communicating with the parent their feelings for fear of disappointing their parent or punishment. Some children may resent their parents or even rebel against their precise rules.
The Permissive Parent. This is a permissive form of parenting which provides petite or no buildings to the children. The no limits and guidelines are often few or fuzzy. Without limits, children are likely to have a difficult time getting along with peers and studying how to behave in society. Permissive parenting is a very free and open form of parenting, one that is typical of a particular parent home or a home where both parents work and do not make family time a priority.
The Authoritative Parent. Authoritative is a democratic style of parenting which balances possession with responsibilities. This form of parenting allows limits to be set for children while providing them with choices within those limits. By giving choices to your children you are expressing to them that their opinions are important and their choices may carry an undesired outcome and consequence. Authoritative parenting better prepares the child for independence in society. It provides teaches them compromise and instills the Understanding that we learn by our choices and consequences of those choices.
Family Dynamics
Back in the 50's and 60's the family unit typically consisted of the Father/Provider and Mother/Caregiver. The father was the decision maker and provided financially for the family while the mother took care of the home and the children. This is also referred as the "nuclear family". Through the years the changes in our community with gender roles changing, women desiring careers exterior the home, pushing for equality with men, desiring their own financial independence, the family unit has changed drastically. Children of separation are more prevalent than ever before with the separation rate being at 50% as compared to 22% back in 1960. (DivorceRate.com, 2008). Now we have a more diverse family unit made up of particular parent homes, children being raised by grandparents and blended families resulting from remarriage. Vast changes in the family core have opened the door to many other life challenges within the family unit, especially pertaining to the children.
Divorce not only affects the parent but the child as well. Studies have shown that children demonstrate their anxiety over the separation of their parents in varying ways many times dependent upon the age at which the separation occurs. The pain children feel from separation can consist of vulnerability, insecurity, grief, loss, anger and powerlessness. Additionally, the association in the middle of the parent and child changes as the custodial parent may feel disorganization, anger, decreased expectations of their children for standard public behavior or aka, diminished parenting. Furthermore, studies have shown that a child's post-divorce quality of life can have a major impact on their long term adjustment outcomes. Most frequent concerns of children are that of repeating the cycle of a broken marriage.
For many parents, life continues after separation and they move onto new relationships which leads them to re-marriage and blended families. Today's typical family unit consists of step-parents, step children and step-siblings. Our children are thrown into "instant" families which have already begun to fabricate their own set of beliefs, standards, ethnic backgrounds, religious beliefs and parenting styles. New personalities, customs, and memories are all added to the blended family household. However, a child is still the child; and the adult is still the adult and we must still remember that even Through the tumultuous changes in the family dynamics, we must remember that children still need a balance of love, concentration and discipline.
Social Influences
As children grow and attend school, they are very influenced by their peers. They will become leaders or followers. They will find a definite peer group with which they can recognize and form friendships. Peer groups offer children the occasion to fabricate varied public skills, such as leadership, sharing or teamwork, and empathy. Peer groups also offer the occasion to experiment with new roles and interactions which is typically the conjecture that adolescents drift from one group to another as they are in hunt to "find themselves," or work toward the formation of their identity.
Children need acceptance and they are also very influenced by their peers. Peer groups can have either a negative or a inevitable influence over a child. When a child is lacks self belief or self-worth, they will turn to whatever groups that are most accepting, regardless of the groups public and ethical behaviors. However, peer groups can also provide a very inevitable outlet for a child that can promote inevitable behaviors and promote academic excellence along with healthy emotional support.
A teen that has been taught standard Conflict management skills will have an easier time when it comes to peer pressure and public acceptance by studying to balance the value of going along with the crowd against the point of making their own decisions.
Conflict management & Resolution Styles of Teenagers
There are three basic approaches by which teenagers cope conflict: the passive approach, the aggressive coming and the assertive approach. The coming the child takes can have a huge impact on the outcome of the disagreement. The Passive Approach. The passive coming is associated with lack of communication, low self worth and fear of confrontation. Passive children are likely to be pushed nearby with petite to no repercussion. Additionally, these children may have a hard time forming friendships and often find friendships are unfulfilling due to the fact that these children are de facto taken advantage of.
The Aggressive Approach. This coming uses intimidation and confrontation as its traditional source resolving conflict. These children will do whatever requisite to reach their desired outcome, not matter the consequences. They look at Conflict as a win/lose situation and take criticisms personally, instead of finding at it as a way to learn and grow. Aggressive children are often labeled as bullies and are either avoided or make friends with other similarly behaved children.
The Assertive Approach. A democratic style of Conflict resolution, children take an coming which combines respect with cooperation and compromise. These children have learned how to effectively impart to transport their opinions while taking into observation the needs of others. The assertive coming is the most prosperous coming as it can typically follow in a win-win clarification for all parties involved. It minimizes the negative feelings of anger and resentment as with the passive and aggressive approaches and replaces it with inevitable feelings of self-fulfillment. (Carney, 2008).
Teaching Life Skills
Teaching our children important life skills is requisite in assisting them with handling conflicts as children and carrying these skills into their adult years. Up until the past decade or so, most of our focus has been on Conflict resolution for adults. However, with the increase of disruptive behaviors by adolescents, increased separation rate and the transportation breakdown in the middle of parent and child, practitioners are now finding at assisting children in finding a more effective way to cope conflict. In a recent study, 6th and 7th grade children were examined as to how each gender handled conflict. Girls were found to typically rely on verbal assertion where boys showed more aggressive tendencies. Self-efficacy and self-control were found to be requisite predictors of Conflict resolution styles. Additionally, it is found that by promoting public competencies in our youth, psychosocial problems such as delinquency and drug abuse is reduced and academic achievement increased. (Vera, et. Al. 2004)
In recent years, schools, churches and youth programs are implementing Conflict resolution programs such as Conflict coaching, Conflict management workshops, peace building workshops and mediation programs. Evidence is showing that by providing our youth with the standard skills early on, we will be teaching them habits they can take with them for a lifetime. Teaching the standard public and Conflict management behaviors has become just as requisite as teaching our children skills in math, science, public studies and english. We can no longer wait until we are adults to begin to form out how to manage conflict. Children will deal with Conflict from their infancy, so why not begin developing the standard skills early on.
In sports and athletic events, we have coaches and these coaches support, implement athletic skills for the game, promote team play, character and team unity. In life, we need coaches on a daily basis to keep us on track, accountable, to promote teamwork, family unity, and teach life skills. Life coaches are just as requisite for guiding our youth, as coaches are in guiding our team sports. Counselors or counseling is implemented to fix something that is wrong, but we need to be finding at behavior from the prospective of facilitating and implementing the standard skills in our youth for managing their daily conflicts and public issues.
A requisite tool we have is the internet. The birth of the internet has opened a door to endless resources at a touch of a finger tip. Teenagers are one of the most proficient at using the internet, with 55% of all online teens belonging to some sort of public networking site (Lynch 2007). A good outlet for any teen who is facing an issue and wants to impart their feelings confidentially is by creating an online avenue for teenagers to post their concerns and receive feedback, without revealing their identities. A good example may be a child being pushed nearby by a bully. Children do not like to appear "weak" or "afraid" so they do not record or impart when another is harassing them. By having an outlet to discuss and seek help anonymously keeps the child feeling empowered, and reduces any possibility of retaliation by the bully.
Our youth need outlets for Conflict resolution and instruction and coaching for Conflict management. We are finding a increase and slow acknowledgment of this in society, but we most become more proactive and start focusing on providing and contribution programs to our youth now. We are finding more and more problems in our community and we have to stop finding at just a fix to the problem, but rather we have to look at proactive ways to educate and impart with our youth. It is like our health. We can go to the doctor and get a prescription to control high blood pressure, or we can implement a healthy diet and rehearsal in an effort to keep our blood pressure within normal limits and remain healthy.
Conclusion
Addressing Conflict with our children has become a major concern due to our societal changes over the past concentrate decades. As we have seen there are a collection of factors that conduce to how our children cope conflict, parental influence and public influences being strong factor in a child's perception of Conflict and how to form a resolution. In conclusion, let's briefly look at our three cases and see if we can decide the factors that conduce to how these children deal with conflict.
First, there was Sheila who was the straight A student, product of what was once considered a "nuclear" family unit. In Sheila's situation we can regain that her parent's had an authoritarian style of parenting, precise rules with no input from their children. Sheila had a small public network and probably had a hard time making friends, so she many times located for those who would accept her for who she was regardless what the peer group's beliefs were. As a result, Sheila was not strong sufficient to weigh the discrepancy in the middle of doing her own thing and doing the wrong thing, i.e. Drugs, and she found herself lost and unable to appropriately function in society. Sheila's Conflict resolution style would probably be the passive coming as her self-confidence and self esteem levels are probably low and because of the attitudes at home, she may try to avoid confrontation. If Sheila had an outlet, she may have found support and directives that could have lead her to understand why she struggled to fit in and how she could practice belief building techniques that would help her to walk on her own, instead with individuals who would lead her in the wrong direction.
Next we had Mark, the 20 year old college sophomore. He was the product of divorced parents and his mother worked and attended school. It would appear her time with her children was limited. Although, Mark's high school grades were not all the time up to par, he did manage to have a strong public network and was active in school sport activities. From this situation we may eye that Mark's mother chose the authoritarian style of parenting. She allowed input from her children and gave them choices. For example, Mark's grades, if he chose not to take his studies seriously he had to deal with the consequences such as not getting to play in the basketball game. His type of Conflict resolution style would appear to be that of the assertive approach. He appeared inevitable sufficient to know that his needs were just as important as the next person's and looked for a win-win clarification for everyone. Even though his mother was a particular parent, she was able to instill the skills requisite for him to cope socially and carry those habits onward into college and beyond. While Mark's mother, being particular mother, was notably busy with work and school, she was still able to teach Mark some important life skills. Mark however, could still have benefitted from a form of life coaching that may have better directed him with his instruction and life goals.
Finally, we have Maria and Luis. It would appear that Maria has taken over the role of her mother and Luis has decided to rebel. From this situation, it would appear that Maria and Luis' mother uses the permissive parenting style with her children. She is divorced and living on petite means and probably was never taught the public skills while growing up to help her own children. As a result, Maria keeps to herself and does not join together with others at school as a means of protecting herself from what she perceives as a socially diverse and unsafe atmosphere. She probably feels very insecure and unsure of herself and her role among her peers. Maria's Conflict resolution style would be similar to that of Sheila's, passive. Luis on the other hand, being male and more prone to aggression has taken the aggressive route. He is angry with his public and economic situation. He does not have the guidance from home and he is rebelling. He has not been taught the public skills and therefore cannot cope Conflict in a effective manner. His style of Conflict resolution is de facto diagnosed as aggressive. This entire family would advantage from Conflict resolution skills training or coaching - the mother to fabricate her skills in raising and communicating with her children and the children with developing the inevitable public skills and Conflict resolution skills requisite to carry them throughout the remainder of their lives.
As we can see Conflict is a part of life. either young or old, there will be issues that need addressing in our marriages, families, businesses, churches, schools and communities. Understanding the psychology of Conflict will support us in being able to better support our children in developing the skills requisite to successfully manage Conflict in their lives. Think about how much the world has changed over the past 30 years or so. Now try to dream how much more it will change in the next 30 or more years. Investing in Conflict resolution coaching and training now with our children will help them to fabricate the skills that will lead to a more productive, inevitable individual in the future.
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